It’s more than just a bad phase

Everybody starts mentally preparing themselves to settle down since their childhood, where else do you think the idea of handing a child pairs of barbie-kens came from? I have lost all hopes and will to settle down. There was a time when i always wanted this healthy long-lasting relationship with my perfect boyfriend who’d sweep me off my feet and would marry me someday and I’d be the prettiest bride walking down the aisle. And I was fortunate enough to find someone who was everything I wanted and could ever want, but *sigh*.

I’ve had great relationships though. Every relationship i was in, i was serious with all my heart. But unfortunately i could never meet my forever and always. It’s not new for single people to see all the happiest of couples around them. Just when I learned to live with it, I started seeing couples tying the knot.

It worries me because I am disappointing my parents, i know. Like every other parents, they also want their only daughter to have this grand wedding and get her happily ever after. It’s not that i want a lonely death myself, but i have serious trust issues when it comes to commitments as such. I feel no one is made for each other, it is what they say to avoid a lonely life.

As enjoyable as single life is, it gets very heartbreakingly lonely at times; times when it rains, times when the weather is beautiful outside or in evenings so gorgeous to walk by the beach after sunset, or just to celebrate the trending events like new years or the valentines to keep up with the social life (sometimes for the sake of the virtual social network life too)!

I’ve never been single for this long in my entire life. I started dating since my early 13 and almost never stopped until 2012 summer! Whoa its been 3 years already. I don’t know why, but I used to fear this lonely single life I’ve been living lately. Also I wanted to chase my happily ever after. But fate has other plans for me I believe.

So today I called my friend up who got married to her boyfriend just a month ago, and I asked what should i do to not get petrified with these. She is a lovely person, very smart and intelligent, someone I’ve always looked up to for advice and suggestions. To my surprise, her story gave me a blast from my past! Everything her husband does, reminds her of her first love. And Bam! My fears are inevitable! My nightmares will turn into reality. She was very much happily in love with her husband before marriage and now even when they make love, the memories of her ex haunts her.

My first love still haunts me every now and then, its been 7 years since I was dumped. The funniest part is, he still doesn’t know why exactly he ended that 3 years long relationship. Every other relationship I have been into, I’ve always been looking for him in them, even though I’ve given my fullest. maybe that is why it never really worked out for me. I could never completely move on, I couldn’t get over my very first love. Maybe I’ll never get my happy ending. I have already stopped chasing my fairytale. I’ve always been told it’s just a bad phase, now i know, when its 7 years of hopelessness, it’s not a bad phase, it’s a lifestyle.

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7 comments on “It’s more than just a bad phase

  1. When someone becomes a part of your heart and your spirit, you can never unlearn them. I have the same in me for 31 years and she still enters my thoughts and dreams. But, I no longer let the loss control my life. Instead, I let the memories add meaning to my past. Life teaches us in the long winters to love the brief spring. Spring will come to you when you least expect it. When it does, bloom.

    Liked by 1 person

      • I understand and it’s not that we shouldn’t experience these times in our lives, they are inevitable for some. But, what do we do in the mean time with our lives? For me, I took several years to heal and the rest of my time alone to get to know myself and to improve myself by expanding my world with education and different jobs in different countries. That’s just me. You will find your own way. You have a very nice blog, you write well, and you have good ideas. Keep rumbling 🙂

        Liked by 1 person

      • Thank you so much for being so nice and kind. I am still trying to get a hold of this blogging thing, just started few days ago. These feedbacks means a lot, really.
        And I am trying to work on myself. Depression effects my life in a very bad way, and after today i really don’t know what’s going to happen. If you’ve read my last post you’ll know exactly what I mean. Keep up the love 🙂

        Liked by 1 person

      • Maybe I sensed it. I fought depression in hand to hand combat a lot. It always hid behind the door and jumped out at me and then the fight was on. I got scratched up a lot. When it has you around the throat it can be impossible just to smile and go on. It’s hard to ask for help but don’t be afraid to tell your friends or someone you trust that you need a hand. When you speak to us out here in WP, someone will reach out to you. Just remember, it feels really bad but it always goes away in time. You have something important to say and we want to hear your voice. -Daniel

        Liked by 1 person

      • I can’t thank you enough Daniel, for your kindness and support. I know things are not going to be fine anytime soon but i hope i’ll be okay.
        I’ll go to bed now, I’ll stalk your posts and bug you soon. 🙂

        Liked by 1 person

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