I’m not the dating type anymore. It’s been a while since I went on a date. I don’t even remember what butterflies feel like anymore. I don’t feel much these days.
A friend of mine is back in town. I know him through my other friends, a friend of my friends, that’s how I know him. Oh wait, he’s a friend of one of my ex (like I mentioned earlier, too many to keep a count; just another insignificant one, you know).
We just used to have some healthy flirting sessions. I remember ditching him a few times years back. But breaking news: he just asked me out on a date, again!
Given my current circumstances, I am not sure if I’m ready. I know it’ll be a little much-needed distraction for me, but, at the end of the day is it really worth it? There is no right and wrongs when it comes to these things but it’s not unhealthy to make a list of pros and cons. I have my insecurities and I don’t think I look pretty anymore. Yeah I lack confidence too, I’m losing it with every pound of fat I’m gaining. I am loaded with stuff I need to work on myself! I’m such a mess.
Moreover, im looking for tumultuous, head-over-heels kinda love. I have wasted too much time on flings and casual dates. What if he is just another guy who just wants sex and nothing more? What if he leaves me feeling like shit and unworthy? I am not that attracted to him though, to be honest maybe he’s just a rebound or something, perhaps one more fruitless desperate attempt to forget X, to move on, to start over.
I have learned to value my time; to value myself. But this going-back-to-dating-business thing, is eating my head up. As confused as I am, after all that I have been through, I sometimes wonder am I really worthy of love? What if I am the faulty one?
All I know is the fact that I have always wanted to find that someone who’s worth dying for, who’d feel the same for me. I’m tired of chasing those plenty of fishes in the sea.