It’s more than just a bad phase

Everybody starts mentally preparing themselves to settle down since their childhood, where else do you think the idea of handing a child pairs of barbie-kens came from? I have lost all hopes and will to settle down. There was a time when i always wanted this healthy long-lasting relationship with my perfect boyfriend who’d sweep me off my feet and would marry me someday and I’d be the prettiest bride walking down the aisle. And I was fortunate enough to find someone who was everything I wanted and could ever want, but *sigh*.

I’ve had great relationships though. Every relationship i was in, i was serious with all my heart. But unfortunately i could never meet my forever and always. It’s not new for single people to see all the happiest of couples around them. Just when I learned to live with it, I started seeing couples tying the knot.

It worries me because I am disappointing my parents, i know. Like every other parents, they also want their only daughter to have this grand wedding and get her happily ever after. It’s not that i want a lonely death myself, but i have serious trust issues when it comes to commitments as such. I feel no one is made for each other, it is what they say to avoid a lonely life.

As enjoyable as single life is, it gets very heartbreakingly lonely at times; times when it rains, times when the weather is beautiful outside or in evenings so gorgeous to walk by the beach after sunset, or just to celebrate the trending events like new years or the valentines to keep up with the social life (sometimes for the sake of the virtual social network life too)!

I’ve never been single for this long in my entire life. I started dating since my early 13 and almost never stopped until 2012 summer! Whoa its been 3 years already. I don’t know why, but I used to fear this lonely single life I’ve been living lately. Also I wanted to chase my happily ever after. But fate has other plans for me I believe.

So today I called my friend up who got married to her boyfriend just a month ago, and I asked what should i do to not get petrified with these. She is a lovely person, very smart and intelligent, someone I’ve always looked up to for advice and suggestions. To my surprise, her story gave me a blast from my past! Everything her husband does, reminds her of her first love. And Bam! My fears are inevitable! My nightmares will turn into reality. She was very much happily in love with her husband before marriage and now even when they make love, the memories of her ex haunts her.

My first love still haunts me every now and then, its been 7 years since I was dumped. The funniest part is, he still doesn’t know why exactly he ended that 3 years long relationship. Every other relationship I have been into, I’ve always been looking for him in them, even though I’ve given my fullest. maybe that is why it never really worked out for me. I could never completely move on, I couldn’t get over my very first love. Maybe I’ll never get my happy ending. I have already stopped chasing my fairytale. I’ve always been told it’s just a bad phase, now i know, when its 7 years of hopelessness, it’s not a bad phase, it’s a lifestyle.